May 3, 2018 at 2:20 pm #7873
The screeches of the hunters’ mounts had been echoing the woods for hours, but now they had died off. In these dense forests almost all the trees where ten or the occasional tree, almost twenty feet in diameter, and sometimes hundreds of feet tall. The sun shone in the cracks between the densely packed leaves that formed the roof. The forest floor was rich with foliage and logs of trees that had fallen. A tiny almost bird like dinosaur sat on a branch in a young spindly Aspen tree. It sat there singing its song for a while. all the sudden it stopped looking at a thicket made mainly bushes and bowed trees, cocking his vibrantly plumaged head as if to warily listen. With a loud cry it abandoned its former stage with an alerting screech.
All the sudden a troop of scouts on their Bellaraptors broke through the brambles they were camouflaged and blended almost seamlessly into the undergrowth. Men and beast alike where heavily winded as if they had been keeping a fast and steady pace for far longer than they should have. The scouts all whore helmets, or a few wore large cammo bandannas tied over their heads. The majority of helmets had black visors and all the symbol of a dragon that had its front right claws and wings stretched out giving it a fierce appearance on the sides that where in a dark olive-green color that blended into the rest of helmet. Out of them all only the captions helmet differentiated from the rest. In the front she and her Raptor stood silent and almost unmoving for a moment surveying her troops surroundings. She wore a black visor that hid almost her entire face. her helmet had a tiny blue streak on the sides right below the dragon. Her long dark wavy dull blood-red hair crept from under her helmet and down her back it was gnarled and a tangled mass as it had gotten the punishment of the rough ride. She wore a quarter length sleeves that reviled her tanned pearl colored skin. She let her left hand leave the reigns to her powerful blueish green beast reviling the horribly dirty, cut and blistered fingers and raised it and made a few quick gestures. The Raptor had tilted his head and watched the movements the hand made as she lowered the hand as one he darted forward and rushed into the dense undergrowth again, closely followed by the others.
I am aware this can use a little buffering in many places, but this is it’s first debut.
(you are looking at the first ‘jot’ of <b>any</b> sort! and I promise, even Harry Potter was a jumbled mess once) I have had this story in my head for about two years now but it needs a <i>lot </i>of research.
Also the Raptors they rode I made up, (it will be explained later in the story) If you know your Latin (or you could just look it up like me) They literally translate to ‘Warrior-Bird’ <b>Bellator-Raptor</b> (at least I believe that ‘raptor’ is Latin I’m 99.9999% sure *edit* It KINDA is it comes from the Latin word ‘rapere’ which means to take or tear by force. . . which birds of prey literally do. Hence why raptor means. . well bird.)
May 4, 2018 at 10:44 am #7885
Oooooooh, I like it! Sounds like an epic story. A little hard to read because of the long sentences without commas, but, as you said, it’s not even the first draft 🙂 I like the descriptions a lot! If the whole entire book is going to be that descriptive, it might feel slow at times — but assuming this is the opening scene, I think you’ve done a great job of showing what the world is like and all that jazz. Keep it up! 🙂
May 4, 2018 at 10:56 am #7889
Yeah it is the opening scene. I also know that the sentences are a little bumpy.😉 Thank you I like the descriptions a lot too! This is actually a freewrite I did a couple months ago. . . Which I’m working on making a post about using freewrites in writing. . . So this is 100% raw writing here!
Thank you SO much for commenting fjordianparrot!
May 6, 2018 at 6:34 am #7893
I like the idea here, (since you said it was raw, I’m going to ignore any error, and critique the idea and your writing style instead). I get a sort of Jurassic Park sense here, which I really, really like. I haven’t seen much books going around the ideas of dinosaurs. I really like the description of “dull blood red hair” because I feel like it clearly identifies the shade of the main protagonists hair without going into too much detail. I feel the slowness of the scene though from a writers perspective, but from a readers, it’s sort of a medium-fast to me. Again, if this is going to lead more into dinosaurs, I’m totally freaking up for it, like put me on the preorder list. If not, I like your style enough that I’d pick it up anyway.
(But is it going to continue into dinosaurs? Because I really really REALLY love dinosaurs)
May 6, 2018 at 10:29 am #7896
Oh boy, are YOU in for a treat! I’m so glad to see another fellow dino enthusiast! This story completely involves dinos! especially the bellaraptors, and Gecko, (whom I didn’t name in the scene because it didn’t seem to ‘fit’, give you one guess who/what/which it is!)
Thank you for letting me know! I’m so glad you liked it!
I’m working on my other book for now, and freewrote this because I was in the mood for it. . . I completely agree about the lack of dino adventure style books!😭 That’s REALLY the reason I got into this story. If you really want to read a dino based adventure books I REALLY enjoyed is the ‘Edge of Extinction’ books by Laura Martin, it has a sequel. My mom got them for my brother but I got my hands on them first! they are SOOOOOO good! They are sold for like ages 10-12 but I was like 14 and I really
likedLOVED them! you can check them out on amazon!
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